my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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