The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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