I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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