You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He had one of those small greek statue penises
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
nutella sex= disaster
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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