Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
