im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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