i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I think I just sharted jello shots
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