Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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