come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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