She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
