You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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