Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
this just has baby written all over it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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