you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
