If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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