Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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