So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
