just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
