Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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