i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
