She said her name was "party"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
