you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
