the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
