you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
