im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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