I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
