Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
