Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
