I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The feeling are messing with the penis
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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