but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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