We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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