Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
