Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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