i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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