just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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