I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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