I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
