i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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