Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
