I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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