did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
