i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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