Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
