I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
