yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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