your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
