Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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