Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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