So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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