tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
