I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
