mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There's always time for handjobs
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize