I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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