i can't believe i had my finger in that
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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