i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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