well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
