So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have aggressive nipples.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
