i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
sarcasm needs its own font
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
