im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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