I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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