There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize