Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
